3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
