So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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