I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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