He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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