whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
