So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
