Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
