Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Two words: nipple clamps
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