This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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