Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I could fuck to npr.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
