I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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