That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
