Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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