dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
