I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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