just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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