i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
