I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
