Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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