those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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