I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
