I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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