Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
