I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
