Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
