i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
