If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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