My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
