oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
