I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
