I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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