your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I FOUND THE LEGS
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
