Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm sobbing to NWA
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize