that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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