I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
