guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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