just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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