The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
