Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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