k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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