I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
