Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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