Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
