Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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