an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I believe in your delicious
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
