On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Randomize
