It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
