My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
