I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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