fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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