we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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