I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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