I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
