I cannot find my penis.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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