u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
