Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
