Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
