Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
