can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
