Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
