dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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