I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
